Tuesday Group pt. 7
The last few weeks in the group, working with P, I was checking in with P about everything in my life. Food, sponsorship, exercise, cleaning, plans with others… everything. And the arguments around never being good enough resumed. But P had to bait me into most of them because I wasn’t interested in arguing, I just wanted to be good. So, I think she was getting bored with me being so easy to deal with. But I would have been bored too, if my intention in being a sponsor wasn’t to actually help someone be their best selves, but rather to control them and feel powerful.
P was beginning to plan an in person meeting that would happen once a week at the same Agoura Hills location as before. She was having one or two people join her there at first, and she asked me if I wanted to join on a Thursday. Of course I did, and I told her so. That’s when she started to bring up how she didn’t want there to be any drama at the meeting. I assured her every time she brought it up, so calmly, that I didn’t want there to be drama either. She also made sure to note that I should thank Very Famous Actor, whose church it was being held at, but not have a conversation with him. She made sure I knew that I wasn’t to feel too comfortable there. I agreed with everything she said.
One Friday night driving home from a meeting, as we drove through the canyons, she brought up the meeting, she brought up Very Famous Actor, and she brought up not wanting there to be any drama there. Same repetitive conversation. I knew she was implying that I would be the one to bring the drama. I was mildly defensive, because I was sure by then that she should have been able to see all of the hard work I was putting into being good, but the defense was enough for her to detect and instruct me to take a deep breath and calm down. I did. I told her I felt like she was implying I would cause drama. That I really want this meeting to work out as much as she did, and that I promised not to cause any drama. Then we got to her house, I dropped her off, went home, and absorbed all of the guilt and shame for having not been perfectly agreeable.
The next morning I went to breakfast with my grandpa. Mid breakfast, P called me. I sent it to voicemail, but then I excused myself and took the call in the parking lot.
It was just a recap conversation of the night before. Beginning with the meeting we went to, and then she brought up the new meeting. She started immediately with not wanting there to be any drama. I told her I agreed. She kept pushing the idea, and I finally said so desperately and sincerely,
« P, I don’t want there to be any drama, and I want the meeting to go well for you, so I don’t want to go if you think I am going to bring drama. I really don’t want to ruin this for you. »
I took the bait. She jumped in with almost excited force.
«Oh, you’re being dramatic. That’s like saying you’re gonna take your ball and go home since you aren’t getting what you want. »
Confused, I said, «What? No! I just really don’t want to ruin anything, and if you feel like I am going to, I don’t want to go. I will stay home. »
Vindictively, «Well, I don’t even want to have the meeting now. I mean, if it’s going to be this dramatic before the meeting, I don’t want to do it. »
It occurred to me that now she was saying she wanted to take her ball and go home since she wasn’t getting her way… the hypocrisy was clear. But I was well trained to hold her to a different standard. To allow hypocrisy from her. She kept on about how upset she was and I started to panic because I realized that I am ruining things by being disagreeable. So I started to apologize.
« P, I’m so sorry. I’ll go. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. You’re right. I was wrong to… I just want to fix this… *panicked* How can I fix this?!» I was frantically trying to make everything ok. I cried. She calmed down. The conversation ended with me being the bad one again, and her having all the power.
When we hung up, I paused for a moment. In that pause, I realized things were never going to change. I realized that I will never be able to reach the perfection P required. I would always feel bad. I would always feel lacking. P couldn’t have it any other way. It was a rigged game I was never going to win.
Then, remembering Jennifer’s kind offer back in December to reach out anytime, I sent her a text that evening.
« Any chance you have any availability? Feeling like I’m in a similar spot as I was before, but somewhat more confined, and I feel afraid to reach out to anyone cause it feels like weakness, or just causing drama. And I’m like… am I too sensitive? Am I overreacting? Am I in self pity and trying to play the victim? Can’t tell what’s true again. But you seem safe enough to at least explore that. So… if you have any availability for a session, I’d really love to talk. »
Re-reading that I can see how the gaslighting had ruined my ability to clearly tell true from false.
She replied almost immediately,
« Yes April. How about Monday at 9a or 11:30a? Could also look at Tuesday. And thank you for what you shared. I so understand the feelings. I also very much support your empowerment & my hope is that u experience this when we speak. *white heart emoji* »
I agreed to the earliest time available, but afraid that it was more than a day away I said,
« Tbh, I’m afraid I’m going to change my mind by then. Any tips to keep me from doing that? »
She said,
« Would it help to consider that u may feel some relief once we speak and there’s no pressure at all to change anything. It’s just a chat. »
It didn’t help to consider that, I don’t think anything would have helped the fear I was experiencing, but I had to do all of this afraid or I wouldn’t have done it at all. So I said, « Ok. » Then she sent me some colorful heart emojis as « stepping stones for a smooth arrival to our meeting. » which was such a light and needed encouragement.
I ended up making it to our Zoom, but barely.
I remember bits and pieces of the Zoom. What I recall the most is that I cried pretty much the entire session. I was so sad that it had gotten so bad that I needed to seek « outside help. » To add to the anxiety, P made it so clear, and L before that, how not only useless, but dangerous therapy and mental health help is. They believe that the 12 steps are the only solution needed for any problem. There is a part in the Big Book that says something along the lines of, « When we straighten out spiritually, we straight out mentally and physically. » They take that literally to mean that once we are spiritually awakened, everything else is healed. I believed that for a while myself. But things had gotten so bad that I was willing to try just about anything.
What I also remember is being so afraid that I would feel compelled to tell P that I had met with Jen, because I was doing the thing she told me I wasn’t allowed to do— talking to someone outside of the group about the problems I had with her and the group… I was afraid of the conversation… the lecture that I would have to endure from P.
I shared that concern with Jen, and that’s when she told me a very important thing that became a mantra for me for a really long time… You’re allowed to have your own private thoughts and feelings.
I remember hearing her say that, and it feeling like a golden key unlocking a rusted and spider web covered door inside of me. The permission to be contained, and to discern for myself what to share and what not to share with others. After so many years of confessing every thought and feeling and action to an outside source, it was an absolutely revolutionary experience for me.
Jen also made it very clear, with such gentleness, that I didn’t have to do anything. I could stay with P, and in the group, as long as I wanted. No action needed to be taken. I appreciated that, too, because I was so split between my true self and my cult self. My cult self felt compelled to stay, and my true self knew it wasn’t safe and I needed to go. When I met with Jen, I felt connected to my true self. I was able to really know true from false. I remember feeling so validated and grateful for the clarity, and that my every thought and feeling wasn’t being denied and dismissed as dramatic.
I left the session and I just felt relief. I felt supported. I felt safe, and I thought that if I tried to leave again, it might actually stick this time.